I’m 4 weeks into not having a full-time job. The good news is I have a lot of free time to try all the things I always wanted to try¹. The bad news is that - in the absence of investors or cofounders - I have virtually zero accountability.
In the absence of accountability, the first 2 weeks of my freedom looked like this.
College is when most people first encounter (and occasionally get knocked out) by this dilemma.
Freshman year me may have made a competition out of how fast I could chug. Being a adult in NYC is arguably even more dangerous in this regard - you have more money, more time, and none of the external pressure/validation that comes with grades.
This blog came about as an attempt to put my own motivation through a centrifuge to see what kind of stuff is inside. The look a little gross.
For the first period of my productive life my engine ran primarily on high-octane, concentrated spite.
Fuel 1: Spite
The classic media example of spite-fueled motivation is the breakup to personal transformation story, but I think I managed to turn it into a lifestyle by being mad at everyone.
The extent didn’t hit me until I was chatting with my mom about what motivated me back in middle school (vs my siblings who are there currently) and learned that I was angry at my classmates and wanted to be more successful to somehow win in the long run. If this this sounds suspiciously close to incel tendencies - then maybe it is. The big difference was externalizing the problem (blame the world) vs internalizing it (blame myself) and burning is as fuel.
The problem with spite is that while it isn’t sustainable:
At some point in college I realized I mostly liked everyone around me. Shit. What to do now.
Fuel 2: Anxiety
I contend that 1st gen parents run the table on anxiety-to-dollars pipeline. Bonus points if you didn’t get financial support. Sure, caffeine is great. But there’s nothing like a deeply entrenched sense of scarcity to keep you from sitting still. Sure, you might get older and start asking yourself “who am I really doing this for?”. But by then you’ve got a career and a nice health insurance to pay for the therapy.
University makes for a spectacular anxiety gym. If it wash you out entirely, the treadmill of chasing grades, internship and leadership positions makes for a great training ground of playing the similar games in a corporate setting.